My Struggle

I have been through the this struggle before. The struggle to accomplish anything. It is one I believe we all go through, just not the same route.

I want to go to the place that works best for me, but it is not easy to get there. 

I spent over 20 years working in a field that was not appealing at all. I was in Law Enforcement. It was a well paid job, with really good benefits, but I found no joy in it. 

I don't think we are always going to be happy in our job, but I would hope we were happy or at least satisfied part of the time. 

But to be doing something the you really wanted to, and to enjoy that work....... that would be grand. 

So I find myself moving towards the goal of a job I enjoy, and it is really exciting! One of my passions has always been to either be a computer programmer or a computer tech. I love computers, working on computers, troubleshooting computers, figuring out computers. It is so satisfying to me. 

So to be getting educated in HTML for Web Design is very exciting indeed. 

I went to a class yesterday on how to find these classes and I was so stoked. It is a state run program that helps you find and attend online classes in some very lucrative jobs. I was so amazed when I finished the class and had found most of the classes, if not all that I need for my new chosen profession. 

I can't wait to get started and I know it's going to be great. 

Thank you Lord for this opportunity and I pray you find yours too!

Update 2012

Here were in 2012 and I have not added a new blog. I have had a bit of writers block. I actually have a draft, but have not been able to come to a good conclusion as to what should be said and what shouldn't. It has been a very tumultuous year for us. A lot of groaning as well as growing!

I have been out of work since August of 2010. Well, I was officially medically retired in 2010. I have not been working since 2008 or 2009, can't remember. That is bad, can't remember. I went back to work for a month, in July of 2009 if I remember correctly. I was very excited, thinking that I was on my way back to working and so forth. Then they called me after almost a month and said, your doctor still says you are limited. We need you to go home......and I never returned. So weird.

So, I am out of work, being paid half of what I used to make and in deep need of a job. But because I am disabled, it can't be a physical job. This limits my choices of jobs to such a degree, that here we are at the end of 2012 and I still don't have a job.

My passion, and the area of interest I feel God leading me towards, is Web Design.

I have prayed a lot about this and Web Design keeps coming up. So, I delved into it, and low and behold, I love it. I am not totally surprised. I have a love for computers, and hopefully someday programming. I have always wanted to write my own program. I still have a yearning to do so; that is on hold for the moment. I am feeling led to Web Design and I enjoy it immensely.

My first customer is a friend. A long time friend. She is my wife Nicole's friend from a long time back. The used to work together at a building inspection company. Jeff, her husband started a business of taking old musical instruments and turning them into Art/Furniture. His stuff is fantastic. So Kim asked if I would be willing to make them a web site. They had already made one, but they were not happy with it.

We decided that this would be a test drive, to see if I could actually do it, so no payment was asked for. I figured if I was successful, then they would be a great reference. I plowed ahead and came up with something they both loved. I was very surprised. I was not as taken with it, but it did fit their needs.

So, now I am learning WordPress. I love WordPress. I am so impressed with it. I want more than anything to change the site of my only client, who doesn't pay me, to a WordPress site. I have been working on WordPress.com to learn and see what I could come up with. I love what I have already and it is just a skeleton. So, I have been a bit preoccupied and the blog has suffered.

Hopefully soon, I will be able to put up my next post in an attempt to encourage Christians and non Christians alike. God bless and have a fantastic Thanksgiving and Christmas!

Can't Get Away from Me!

Struggling with guilt? Feeling ashamed? This is something I think a lot of us struggle with. I struggle with it all the time. Guilt over things left unsaid, projects not completed, stumbling into sin that keeps coming up in my life, disobedience to God. 

I often feel that, this is who I am. This of course is SHAME! Guilt is how we feel when we've done something wrong, shame defines us. Who we are. How we think we will always be. We are just screwed up and that will never change. That is shame, for being who we are. 

I think, this, more than anything is the cause of alcoholism, drug addiction, depression, anger, self loathing, despair, feeling sorry for ourselves and not moving forward in our dreams. 

Wow, I know thats a lot, but when you think about it, isn't that the case? I am who I am, and if that carries a negative label with it, then we feel doomed. I can't get away from who I am. I will always be screwed up, I will always be a failure, I will always be a disappointment, I will always fall short, I will always make the same mistakes. Whatever your point of view is. Whatever your short coming is.

In our minds, nothing can change this and therefore, hopelessness sets in. We all deal with it differently. Covering it up the best we can with one of the vices I mentioned earlier, or just never putting yourself out there so you won't be discovered. Always hiding, putting up our best strong front, to keep anyone from knowing the truth.  

Truth is, we are all broken to some extent. None of us have it all together. But to some of us it is terrifying to think that someone may find us out. 

There is no way I can cover this subject in one entry, it would be to long, so this will be a series. I struggle with this daily, but have learned how to deal with it through Christ Jesus. The only way in my opinion, that we can deal with it. 

I was encouraged recently by reading a daily devotion I get from Greg Laurie that said, that if I still feel guilty when I do something wrong, then the Holy Spirit is working in my life and that's a good thing. If I don't feel anything, then it's time to be concerned. I am gonna leave you the link to that devotional, you should read it. I hope it encourages you as much as it did me.  

http://www.harvest.org/devotional/archive/devotion/2012-01-10.html